Spotting Emotional Fusion in Your Own Life

It’s not always easy to see emotional fusion in your life, so here are some examples of how it might happen. These are intended to get the wheels turning so that you can more easily see ways that you and your spouse might be doing it.

You make decisions mostly based on how you think the other person feels rather than from your own interests and desires or from a place of compromise. This might look like trying to anticipate their needs and doing what you think they would like or holding your tongue when you think what you really want wouldn’t be what they want.

Example: Sometimes when I ask my husband where he wants to go for date night, he suggests places that he assumes *I* want to go. It’s sweet for him to think of me and what I might like, but he’s also trying to anticipate my needs instead of just having a conversation about where we both might like to go. It might work better if we each suggested things that sounded good to us that night and then compromised and made a choice, taking turns going to each others’ favorites.

You criticize your partner. This may happen in an attempt to demonstrate your own superiority or a belief that the way that you do things is the smarter, better way. By putting them down, you feel better about yourself, even if you don’t realize this is why you are doing it.

Example: I tend to “make suggestions” way too often about how my husband could do things. The best way to cook whatever he’s making, where might be a good place to park, what might be a great way to handle a parenting situation, and so on. This suggests that I think that *my* way is the better way to do it or that he’s not capable, and makes him feel like I’m constantly watching and criticizing the way he does things. Not a great way to build connection.

You take on the reactions and responsibilities of others as if they are your own. This one can be tricky, especially in parenting, because you are responsible to teach your kids and help them develop in responsible ways, but you can’t take ownership of every tantrum they throw or every bad choice they make. This is also true in marriage—you can’t be responsible for your spouse’s emotions, it’s not your job to fix them and you literally can’t fix them. You can, of course, support them through challenging times.

Example: It’s really easy as a parent to let your kids’ choices or behaviors feel like a reflection on you and to take ownership of those things in an unhealthy way. You might feel like a failure as a mother if your kid fails at something or makes a decision that you don’t agree with. You might get defensive if someone (like a teacher) suggests that your kid’s behavior needs improvement because it feels like a reflection on you. It’s helpful to remember: we are responsible to our children, not for our children.

You want other people to manage your emotions.

Example: One of the easiest ways to understand this is to think of a teenager. Often, they’ve got big feelings and emotions that they don’t know how to handle, so they try to pass them off on a parent. It’s not at all uncommon for a teenager to have a bad day and to take it out on a family member. Or a toddler who has no idea how to handle frustrations and throws a tantrum. These things might be normal parts of development for toddlers or teens, but as an adult, it’s important to know how to manage your own emotions. Part of that may look like getting support and love from someone who cares about you, but you are still in charge of your emotions. Not the other person.

You feel anxious or frustrated or angry if the other person wants to do something on their own, rather than with you. You don’t want them to have a sense of autonomy, or you see yourself only as a “we,” not as an individual as well.

Example: Your spouse isn’t home and you’ve got no idea what to do with yourself. You don’t really have hobbies or interests of your own or things you like to do independently from others. You use the other person as a source of identity.

You have a hard time making decisions on your own—small ones or big ones. This can sometimes happen because you’ve gotten so used to stifling your own thoughts and opinions that you can’t even remember what your desires are anymore. It can also happen because it’s scary to make a decision because then you can only blame yourself for the outcomes.

Example: One common way that this happens is when a group needs to make a choice about something—where to go to dinner or what plans to make—and no one will chime in with options or just says “I’m good with whatever” rather than stating a preference.

You can’t tolerate the other person having a different opinion than you. This might be problematic for you because you need the validation of other people agreeing with you and it might cause conflict if they express an opinion that’s different from yours.

Example: In this climate of hot-button issues, too often people can’t have a civil conversation about things that matter without getting defensive. Many people tend to get very reactive if someone disagrees with their viewpoint instead of being open to hearing what the other person has to say.

You have difficulty letting others know you in personal or intimate ways. This is likely happening because you are worried that if they knew the real you, they wouldn’t like you, so you keep them at arm’s length and hope they won’t catch on to your flaws.

Example: Imagine going to dinner with friends and the conversation focuses on surface-level things like the weather, what’s happening in the news, what’s happening in other people’s lives, or even gossiping. Rather than talking about things that are happening in your own lives, things that you’re struggling with, things you’re excited about, or anything personal, the conversation hovers on things that don’t allow much connection.

You have a hard time maintaining your own thoughts and opinions in the face of invalidation. If someone feels differently than you, you get confused about what you really believe or you get defensive. You might start to feel like you’re losing who you are.

Example: I was once in a relationship with someone who had strong opinions. This person readily stated what they wanted and because I wanted to stay in their good graces, I tended to go along with it. This could even be simple things like where to go to lunch. Over time, I started to feel like I couldn’t even remember what I would choose if I was making the choice or what I thought about any given issue because I’d gotten to used to just thinking what they thought.

You are needy or clingy. You’re trying to convince yourself that they love you or value you, and this manifests in neediness.

Example: You have a conflict with someone and you feel uncomfortable about it, apologize repeatedly trying to get reassurance that everything is fine, go out of your way to make them happy with you again. Or you constantly try to reassure yourself, even outside of conflict, that the other person still loves you. You need consistent reassurance that you’re still loved. You sacrifice for them or serve them not out of genuine care but out of a need to feel valued and worthy. The actions might look the same, but the motivation is different.

You try to be what you think others want you to be instead of who you want to be.

Example: A common way that this happens is by trying to live up to parent’s expectations. Maybe you feel like you want to impress them or avoid disappointing them. This could also be true with societal expectations like trying to be the kind of mom you think others think you “should” be, whether that’s throwing amazing, Pinterest-worthy parties, having a perfectly clean house at all times, always being patient and present, or looking effortlessly put-together—when in reality, those expectations leave you exhausted, disconnected from yourself, and constantly feeling like you’re falling short.

You compare yourself with others frequently. Just like many of the others things, this is probably happening to help you prove to yourself that you are valuable (or sadly, in some cases, that you’re not.)

Example: You go to a concert or recital and watch kids perform and you’re impressed with their talents…which leads you to compare your own kids against them. Are your kids falling short of their full potential? Are you failing as a parent? Or—you see another parent losing their cool with their kid and inwardly feel smug and superior about your own parenting abilities. In either case, you are putting yourself above or below the other person, letting your sense of self be dictated by how you measure up to what you see happening.

You feel like an emotional sponge. You take on the emotions of people around you as if they are your own and feel responsible to regulate them for the other person. You think it’s your job to make someone happy.

Example: Your spouse is in a bad mood or stressed about something and you start to feel stressed and in a bad mood as well. Your emotions are easily influenced by other people’s.

You feel like you’ve got to check-in regularly to make sure the other person is happy, and you do this in order to feel good about yourself, not out of a genuine desire for their well-being.

Example: We laugh sometimes about a day early in our marriage when we were on a trip with my husband’s family. My husband was working on some project in another area of the room, and I was sitting across the room doing something with his mom and sister. He kept saying “whatcha doing Amber?” He said it so many times in a short period of time that we all started laughing about it and still sometimes joke about it today. He seemed to be needing to make sure that what he was doing was ok, so he continually checked in with me.

You avoid conflict at all costs, even if that means silencing yourself.

Example: I knew a couple once who claimed to have never had a disagreement in 15 years of marriage. They proclaimed this as a badge of honor, but reality is that if there was never conflict, someone must have consistently been stifling their own thoughts and desires and deferring to the other. This is in no way helpful to a marriage. Conflict is inevitable in relationships, it’s what you do with it that matters. Resolving conflict in a healthy way is going to involve self-confrontation, forgiveness, compromise and a number of other virtues that are great for your relationship. Silencing yourself to avoid conflict at all costs is actually much worse for your relationship in the long run than working through the conflict together.

You change your opinion to please others.

Example: There are people I know who tend to agree with my opinion when we talk about important things, but then when I hear them talking to someone else who has a different opinion, they tend to agree with that person as well. They don’t seem to be consistent in how they feel and seem more inclined to trying to agree with others.