Episode 7: Self-Silencing: What It Is, Why We Do It, & How to Stop
You have a good life — and you know it. You’ve got people you love and people who love you back. You’ve got opportunities, routines, responsibilities. From the outside, everything looks fine.
But lately, it feels like you’re running on empty — doing all the right things, carrying all the right responsibilities — and still feeling strangely disconnected.
In this episode, we’re talking about a quiet pattern that can erode our sense of self and the connection we feel with others. It’s called self-silencing — the habit of quieting your needs, opinions, or desires to keep the peace or meet expectations. Most of us don’t even realize we’re doing it. But over time, it leaves us feeling disconnected — from our people, and from ourselves.
A Sneak Peek of What You’ll Find in This Episode:
What Is Self-Silencing?
Self-silencing, though it could sound like not speaking up or using your voice, is about tiny concessions that we make each day that silence who we are. Let me emphasize that again. It’s suppressing or silencing who we are. Losing track of what makes us us.
Self-silencing is what happens when we start editing ourselves to keep the peace or to be who we think others need us to be.
It’s not just our voice that we are silencing, though that is part of it. It is our self, our identity, our ability to make choices, and how we show up in the world. This can leave you feeling invisible or like you aren’t all that sure what you want so that you second-guess choices or downplay your own abilities.
Self-Silencing Shows Up in 4 Interrelated Ways:
- First, in looking for reassurance from others — wanting to be liked, to meet expectations, to feel accepted. We do this because we all want to feel loved and safe in our relationships
- Second, through self-suppression — holding our tongue to keep the peace, saying “I’m good with whatever,” or letting others take the lead even when something inside us disagrees
- Third, by using care or sacrifice as a way to earn love and approval. We over-give, trying to be the good friend, the good mom, the good partner — even when it leaves us empty
- And fourth, in feeling like no one really knows the real us. On the inside we feel one way, but we keep that hidden because we’re not sure others would stay if they saw it
Additional Resources to Help You Stop Self-Silencing:
- Here is the Self-Silencing Quiz that I mentioned several times in the episode to help you spot which pattern is showing up most for you
- Here is a hub of self-silencing resources, a Self-Silencing 101 to help you understand it and start to change
- Join the Reclaim program to get guided help spotting and changing self-silencing in your own life and relationships
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