Self-Silencing: What Is It & How Do I Stop?

Summary: If you’re like most of us, you sometimes feel like you have disappeared a little. You downplay your own ideas, try to please others, have high expectations for yourself, and spend a lot of time exhausted from taking care of others or trying to keep up. It doesn’t always feel right, but you’re not sure what else to do.

Let’s talk about self-silencing (because that’s what this is called) and how to move away from feeling lost and disconnected into a sense of purpose, connection, and calm in the way you live.

Tell me if any of these things sound like you:

• You’ve got a long to-do list that never seems to get shorter. There’s always something to do, but it’s not alway that fulfilling (and is often overwhelming)
• You’re just going through the motions in life, unsure what you really want for yourself
• You feel like you’re always taking care of everyone else and sometimes wonder why no one is taking care of you
• When someone asks you what you want, whether it’s for dinner or your life goals, you’re stumped. You had preferences and dreams once, where did they go?
• You’ve got a relationship in your life that has you walking on eggshells to keep the peace
• You have a really hard time making decisions
• You can’t seem to say no
• You do everything you can to avoid conflict

Anything on that list sound familiar? Multiple things on that list?

These are common experiences for many of us and if we’re honest, they don’t feel all that great. When we are self-silencing (which is what’s behind each of these—I’ll tell you more about what that means in a minute), we start to feel lost and disconnected.

We can feel like our relationships are getting a little stale and lackluster (at best; sometimes it’s worse).

We can feel like life is just a series of tasks to be done with little excitement or purpose behind them.

We can feel disconnected from ourselves and from other people. We can even feel lonely when in a crowd.

There’s a name for this—it’s called self-silencing.

What is Self-Silencing?

Self-silencing means stifling your own thoughts, feelings, and desires in order to maintain a relationship.

Or going out of your way to do things how you think someone else wants them done so you can earn their approval or love.

It means you’re hyper aware of how other people see you and you want them to like you, so you mold yourself into a version of you that you think they will approve of.

And guess what? Over 90% of us are doing this as some level.

Why is Self-Silencing a Problem?

But when we silence our own voice in order to preserve relationships or because we feel uncomfortable sharing who we are (or self-silencing), it limits us in a number of ways.

First, of all, it’s bad for our health. Mental health suffers when we self-silence (it’s highly likely that you’ll experience depression and/or anxiety when you’re suppressing yourself).

And it’s also problematic for your physical health. People who self-silence are more likely to experience health challenges like headaches, lack of sleep, IBS, or cancer, to name a few.

This happens for a number of reasons, but a lot of it has to do with not prioritizing your own health or needs (or in other words, silencing an important part of yourself).

And even though self-silencing is often done in order to preserve a relationship, it actually really limits emotional intimacy and connection and decreases things like happiness in a romantic relationship or sexual desire and satisfaction.

So let’s take a look at what’s behind this habit.

What Does It Mean to Self-Silence?

There are four aspects of self-silencing. They are all very intertwined and if you’re doing one, you’re probably doing all of them at least a little bit.

Want to know which way you self-silence? Take this free quiz.

Here’s a quick look at each of those:

1: Externalized Self-Perception

The first is what experts called externalized self-perception, but that’s just a fancy way of saying you worry about what other people think.

So this means judging yourself based on other people’s expectations (or at least by what you perceive as their expectations) and wanting their approval. I like to think of this as the “shoulds” and the “supposed to-s” that we put on ourselves—things we think we should be doing or ways that we should be living.

Because we really want other people to like us and we want to have close relationships with other people, we often try to see ourselves through their eyes so we can see if we measure up. Because then hopefully they’ll like us. This means we have an externalized self-perception.

2: Self-Suppression

Suppressing yourself happens when you stifle your own thoughts, needs, opinions, ideas, dreams, or wants in hopes of making someone like you (hello externalized self-perception) or when trying to keep the peace.

This might look like doing anything you can to avoid conflict or walking on eggshells in a relationship. (Neither of these are healthy ways to build connection with another person.)

But it can also be as simple as not saying what you want for dinner, not prioritizing your own sleep, having a hard time making decisions, or just going along to get along.

#3: Self-Sacrifice as a Sense of Self-Worth

The self-silencing aspect of self-sacrifice is not about loving and serving those around you (because those are key parts of good relationships). It’s about when a person does this expressly to secure the relationship or to earn approval. ‘If I love and serve and do nice things, THEN this person will love me.’

This often looks like saying yes to things you don’t want to do (like people-pleasing) because then people will be, well, pleased with you.

Or it can look like planning fancy activities for your kids because that’s what “good moms” do. Or running yourself ragged with too much on your plate because you don’t know who to turn your back on.

#4: Divided Self

The divided self is that happy exterior that we all often put on when sometimes inside it’s much darker. When we are self-silencing, it’s likely we feel resentment, anger, anxiety, depression, discouragement, self-doubt, and other intense feelings. This often happens when we are putting so much effort into caring for others that we are silencing our own needs and resentment starts to build inside.

This can also look like hiding who you are for fear that others won’t like what they see if they get a real look at you. Rather than truly letting someone see you for who you are, you just put a smile on your face, pretend all is well, and keep moving forward.

Want to know which aspect is showing up most for you? Take this quiz:

If you’re noticing that you’re a bit of a self-silencer, then you’re in good company. As I said, the vast majority of people are doing it (and most don’t realize it, so now you’re one step ahead of them).

We want people to like us. That’s an inherent desire and it’s a good one. We thrive in relationships. But when we self-silence to try to create that connection, we not only lose ourselves, but our relationships weaken as well.

Don’t beat yourself up for doing it, but do want better for yourself and your relationships.

How to Stop Self-Silencing

You can’t just flip a switch and stop self-silencing. It’s a coping strategy you’ve probably been using for years (just like most of us) and it takes small, consistent efforts to root it out.

These small but consistent steps to reclaim yourself can lead to powerful transformation overtime.

More confidence in yourself and your choices.

Better marriage, friendships, parenting, and family relationships.

A sense of purpose in the things you do instead of just going through the motions.

To help you make these changes, to help you take small, doable steps back to yourself, I’ve designed a 30-day challenge that I think you’re going to LOVE!

It’s daily emails with one very small and doable action each day designed to help you figure out what you want for yourself and how to start to reclaim it.

I hope you’ll join me and let self-silencing be something you leave in your past.