Why It’s So Hard to Be Yourself Around Other People

Summary: We all crave a feeling of deep connection or being seen and valued for who we are, so why is it so hard to be yourself around other people? 

My husband and I just finished rewatching Jane Eyre (the Masterpiece Theater version) last week and though I’ve seen it before, one line stood out to me more this time than it previously has:

Jane, speaking of her beloved Mr. Rochester, said simply, “He was the first to recognize me, and to love what he saw.“

She captures a lot in that short sentiment. Something that we all crave: 

Each of us longs to be known for who we are and to be recognized as our full, real selves. We want to be truly, completely loved and accepted as we are. 

I’m convinced that this is why so many of us love a good romantic story like Jane Eyre—because we crave that kind of complete acceptance (or adoration) in our own lives and seeing it play out on screen makes us swoon. 

Why Is It Hard to Be Myself?

But as much as we crave that kind of acceptance, it’s easy for that to feel fleeting or impossible. Many of us worry that if others got a full view of who we are, they might not like us all that much. 

This makes it feel easier to hide parts of ourselves—to hold back, downplay, suppress, or keep quiet things that we think might reveal our weaker or less lovable parts. 

And this has us monitoring ourselves—trying to see ourselves the way others might be seeing us—so that we can make sure we don’t take a wrong step. 

We do this to earn love and approval. Or to avoid disapproval.

But little by little, this type of self-suppression eats away at us, making it hard to show up as who we really are. 

And a habit of this can lead us to the point that we don’t even really know who we are anymore. 

And then that deep desire that we have—to be known and loved for who we are—becomes less reachable, because we don’t allow others to see us as we really are. 

Allowing Others to See the Real You

An experience that I had a few years back really brought this concept into clarity for me.

On two different occasions over the course of a few weeks, I was invited to go to dinner with two different groups of friends.

On both occasions, I sat and chatted with these friends through the course of dinner but noticed that no personal conversation happened. Instead, we talked about the news, the weather, or what was going on in other mutual acquaintances’ lives.

In some cases, it devolved to some pretty nasty gossiping.

I left both of those evenings feeling a little bit hollow. Typically, I love a night out with friends, but these two dinners didn’t do much to fill my soul.

These women were likely deflecting attention from themselves by talking about others because it felt too scary and vulnerable to be real. To be seen. 

And it didn’t create connection. 

On the Flip Side

A week or two later I had lunch with another friend.

With this friend, we sat and talked, just the two of us, for two hours. We chatted about our kids and parenting difficulties, we shared our new year’s goals and why we’d chosen them, we talked about work and school and dating/marriage and just basically had a fun, connecting conversation about life—high points and low points.

I left this lunch feeling so different from how I’d felt after the previous two experiences. My soul felt filled by the connection.

What We Unintentionally Block When We Hold Back

Instead of feeling unsafe during this lunch because I’d shared vulnerable things, I felt connected, seen, and known. 

So although we often hold back parts of ourselves to protect the things we crave so deeply—love and acceptance—we may actually be unintentionally limiting connection when we do that. 

This may sound obvious but: You can’t feel deeply known if you’re not letting yourself be known. 

That instinct to protect yourself in order to feel loved might just be blocking the very feelings you crave. 

How to Get More Comfortable Being Yourself

I don’t want to downplay those very really feelings though of wanting to feel safe and of trying to protect yourself a little though. 

This world can be brutal when you get real. 

But I also want to reassure you that it’s worth taking some risks in order to develop real connection. 

It doesn’t have to come all at once. 

Even just starting to take baby steps now, and then consistently doing that, can add up to a lot more comfort being yourself in coming weeks and months. 

And that’s going to mean more of that authentic connection you crave. 

Here are a couple of super simple things to try: 

1. Think of one person that you feel mostly safe with but you don’t always act fully as yourself around them. The next time you are together, try sharing one small part of yourself that you usually hide. Keep it simple and see what happens. 
2. When that hesitation to be yourself creeps in, remind yourself that letting down your guard a little is likely to bring more connection, not less. You might have to keep reminding yourself of this. That’s ok. 
3. Do some self-reflection about who the real you is and what parts you’re holding back. What would it be like if you were showing up more authentically? This will be different for each of us. Many of us don’t want to be the life of the party. But we do have things to offer that we are holding back. Make sure you know what those things are for you. 

Continuing to Feel More Comfortable Being Yourself

If getting more comfortable being yourself is something you’re committed to and you want more help, here are some resources that you might find helpful as you continue down this path: