Self-Silencing: What It Is, Why It Happens, & One Small Step to Start Undoing It

You’ve been told to be agreeable, selfless, and strong. No one told you what that silence could cost.

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Summary: Self-silencing happens when we hide our real thoughts, feelings, or needs to keep the peace or earn approval. In this post, you’ll learn what it looks like, why it happens, and the small steps that help you start finding your voice again.

Does any of this sound familiar?

In daily life:

• You’ve got a long to-do list that never seems to get shorter. There’s always something to do, but it’s not always that fulfilling (and is often overwhelming)
• You’re just going through the motions in life, unsure what you really want for yourself
• You feel like you’re always taking care of everyone else and sometimes wonder why no one is taking care of you

In relationships:

• You’re walking on eggshells to keep the peace
• You have a hard time making decisions and can’t seem to say no
• You do everything you can to avoid conflict

If you saw yourself in a few of these, you’re not alone—most women I work with could check several.

These are common experiences for many of us and if we’re honest, they don’t feel all that great. When these experiences run our lives, we start to feel lost and disconnected.

Or we can feel like our relationships are getting a little stale and lackluster (at best; sometimes it’s worse).

Or we can feel like life is just a series of tasks to be done with little excitement or purpose behind them.

In short: we can feel disconnected from ourselves and from other people. We can even feel lonely when in a crowd.

There’s a name for this—it’s called self-silencing.

What is Self-Silencing?

Self-silencing is the habit of quieting your own thoughts, needs, or emotions to keep the peace or earn approval. It’s something many women learn early—be agreeable, don’t make waves, keep everyone happy—but over time, that silence chips away at our sense of self and connection with others.

You might notice it in small, everyday ways: agreeing to plans you don’t have energy for, saying “I’m fine” when you’re anything but, or biting your tongue to avoid tension.

Maybe you catch yourself checking how others are reacting before deciding what to say, or feeling guilty for wanting something different. You don’t want to disappoint someone and you want to be agreeable and keep the peace.

These moments seem harmless, but together they teach you that being liked or keeping the peace matters more than being yourself — and that’s where self-silencing quietly takes root.

Why Self-Silencing Happens

If you suspect that you might be a bit of a self-silencer, you’re in good company. The vast majority of people are doing it (and most don’t realize it, so now you’re one step ahead of them).

Here’s why: we want people to like us and we want to feel connected to other people. That’s an inherent desire and it’s a good one. We thrive in relationships.

So we figure a little bit of being agreeable for the sake of the relationship is fine. Even if that means sacrificing a little piece of ourselves like our own desires or thoughts. Compromise matters, right? Sacrifice is a good thing, isn’t it?

And we definitely want to avoid contention, so we get really good at anticipating it and deflecting it by suppressing ourselves just a tiny bit to keep the peace.

And we don’t mind changing small things about ourselves if it means other people think a little bit more highly of us.

All we are trying to do is be agreeable and “kind” and keep other people happy.

How It Affects Health & Relationships

Why it matters: self-silencing doesn’t just affect how you feel—it can touch your health and your closest relationships.

Research links long-term self-suppression with higher rates of depression and anxiety, and it’s associated with physical issues like poor sleep, IBS, chronic fatigue, and more.

Part of the reason: when your needs never make the list, your body carries the cost.

And even though self-silencing is often done in order to preserve a relationship, it actually really limits emotional intimacy and connection and decreases things like happiness in a romantic relationship or sexual desire and satisfaction. That’s because the real you isn’t showing up and because years of this can breed a pile of resentment and some questioning of who you are anymore.

So let’s take a look at what’s behind this habit.

Want to see how this shows up in everyday moments? I wrote a short piece with real-life examples—read it here on Substack

The Four Patterns of Self-Silencing

There are four aspects of self-silencing. They are all very intertwined and if you’re doing one, you’re probably doing all of them at least a little bit.

Here’s a quick look at each of those:

1: Externalized Self-Perception

The first is what experts call externalized self-perception, but that’s just a fancy way of saying you worry about what other people think.

So this means judging yourself based on other people’s expectations (or at least by what you perceive as their expectations) and wanting their approval. I like to think of this as the “shoulds” and the “supposed tos” that we put on ourselves—things we think we should be doing or ways that we should be living.

Because we really want other people to like us and we want to have close relationships with other people, we often try to see ourselves through their eyes so we can see if we measure up. Because then hopefully they’ll like us. This means we have an externalized self-perception.

2: Self-Suppression

Suppressing yourself happens when you stifle your own thoughts, needs, opinions, ideas, dreams, or wants in hopes of making someone like you or when trying to keep the peace.

This might look like doing anything you can to avoid conflict or walking on eggshells in a relationship. (Neither of these are healthy ways to build connection with another person.)

But it can also be as simple as not saying what you want for dinner, not prioritizing your own sleep, having a hard time making decisions, or just going along to get along.

Find out which of these 4 patterns is showing up most for you with this quick quiz.

3: Self-Sacrifice as a Sense of Self-Worth

The self-silencing aspect of self-sacrifice is not about loving and serving those around you (because those are key parts of good relationships). It’s about when a person does this expressly to secure the relationship or to earn approval. ‘If I love and serve and do nice things, THEN this person will love me.’

This often looks like saying yes to things you don’t want to do (like people-pleasing) because then people will be, well, pleased with you.

Or it can look like planning fancy activities for your kids because that’s what “good moms” do. Or running yourself ragged with too much on your plate because you don’t know who to turn your back on.

4: Divided Self

The divided self is that happy exterior that we all often put on when sometimes inside it’s much darker. When we are self-silencing, it’s likely we feel resentment, anger, anxiety, depression, discouragement, self-doubt, and other intense feelings. This often happens when we are putting so much effort into caring for others that we are silencing our own needs and resentment starts to build inside.

This can also look like hiding who you are for fear that others won’t like what they see if they get a real look at you. Rather than truly letting someone see you for who you are, you just put a smile on your face, pretend all is well, and keep moving forward.

Don’t beat yourself up for doing it, but do want better for yourself and your relationships.

How to Stop Self-Silencing

You can’t just flip a switch and stop self-silencing. It’s a coping strategy you’ve probably been using for years (just like most of us) and it takes small, consistent efforts to root it out.

These small but consistent steps to reclaim yourself can lead to powerful transformation over time.

More confidence in yourself and your choices.

Better marriage, friendships, parenting, and family relationships.

A sense of purpose in the things you do instead of just going through the motions.

Here’s what you can try today:

Speak up in one small way you usually wouldn’t.

Maybe that means saying, “I’m open to other suggestions, but this is what I’d love for dinner tonight.” Or pausing before you automatically say yes to a request.

It could be sharing your real opinion in a group chat, or asking for help with something small even though part of you wants to prove you can handle it.

Small honesty builds trust—first with yourself, then with the people who love you.

If you want a tiny, structured next step, take the 90-second quiz and I’ll send one 5-minute practice to help you start undoing self-silencing today.