Episode 19: Why Does It Feel Like My Kid’s Choices Are a Report Card on Me?
There’s nothing quite like parenthood that makes you feel the big feelings is there? You want the best for your child and you may feel some big pressure to make that happen.
It’s easy to tie our sense of self-worth to the things our kids are doing—how they are performing, what their grades are like, what choices they are making—but this gets really tricky when they sometimes do things that aren’t what we would have chosen. It can make us feel like maybe we must have messed up as a parent.
Let’s talk about how you can love and care for your children, without tying your own feelings of worth to their decisions.
A Sneak Peek of What You’ll Find in This Episode:
Signs Your Worth Might Be Tied to Your Kids’ Choices:
- Signing them up for everything because other families are, or because you’re afraid they’ll fall behind
- Feeling embarrassed when they melt down in public, like everyone is judging your parenting
- Doing or “fixing” their school projects so they look good
- Feeling like a child’s choices about faith, school, or friends say something about you
- Struggling when an adult child chooses a career, partner, or path you wouldn’t have
- Comparing your kids to siblings, cousins, or friends’ kids
- Beating yourself up and wondering where you went wrong when they make a mistake
Why This Matters:
Research shows that parents whose self-worth is tied to their kids’ performance tend to parent in more controlling ways, with more pressure and more guilt.
Our kids start to feel like their mistakes aren’t just theirs. They’re about us. That’s a heavy thing for a kid to carry. It leaves them less room to own their choices and learn from them, and it can lead them to hide things from us or resent what we push them to do.
And we give up something too: when our worth depends on their choices, we’re essentially telling them, “You’re in charge of how I feel about myself.”
Separating your worth from your kids’ choices gives both of you room to be yourselves, and to stay close through every age and stage.
Additional Resources to Disconnect Your Sense of Worth from Your Kids’ Choices:
- I Always Feel Like Somebody’s Watching Me: What I said to someone that made them more uncomfortable than I meant to make them
- Sorry? Not Sorry? Why some apologies cost you more than they fix
- Episode 16: Getting Out of the Comparison Spiral
Ready to feel more sure of yourself?
I’m sending out a free email series to help you start to feel more comfortable with who you are—less overthinking, less second-guessing, and more feeling like you’re enough.