How to Fix a Codependent Marriage

Summary: Learning how to fix a codependent marriage involves recognizing codependent behaviors (like self-silencing) and working to fix them in yourself. It’s important to realize that this work has to come from within because you can’t change your partner’s behavior (because that’s literally the definition of codependency) but that small changes you make can add up to a lot in your relationship.  

From the moment we are born, we want to be in relationships with other people.

That’s a completely normal part of being human.

Babies crave affection and need care from others to survive and the desire for someone to care for us and love us doesn’t go away as we age.

We want to feel like we belong with and matter to others.

So if you feel a longing to be loved deeply and have great relationships, great news, you’re normal!

The thing is, because we want the feeling of belonging so badly, we sometimes do things to get that feeling of love and acceptance that inadvertently create unhealthy relationships.

So in essence, in our pursuit of acceptance, we damage the very thing we most desire—real connection with others. Whoops.

One of the biggest ways that this can happen in a marriage or in other romantic relationships is through codependency.

Codependency, simply put, is a reliance on other people to make you feel worthwhile or valuable.

It means you rely on relationships with others to feel good about yourself.

So if you think about that desire to feel loved and accepted through the lens of codependence, what’s happening is that you’re sacrificing yourself and appeasing another person hoping that they will love you and make you feel good about yourself.

You might go out of our way to serve or hold back on being your real self or crave approval and try to meet another person’s expectations.

And guess what? Almost ALL of us are doing this to some degree.

(So if you think you’ve got some of this happening, good for you for spotting it, because that’s the first step to fixing it. Most people are blind to it.)

But when this happens in marriage or other relationships, it can be damage the relationship, often without us even realizing it’s happening until years down the road.

Let’s dig into this a little bit more to understand what’s behind a codependent relationship and how to fix a codependent marriage if you are in one.

What Does the Term Codependency Really Mean?

I already gave a brief overview of what codependency is, but let’s look a little deeper to understand it a little better.

As we already established, codependency often stems from a desire to be loved and cared for by others.

Because of this desire, someone in a codependent relationship is likely to do certain things that they hope will secure the relationship (it actually doesn’t work in the long run, but that’s the hope behind these choices).

Examples of Codependent Behaviors

Here are some examples of things that might point to some codependency in your life (I’ll explain why next):

• I have a really hard time making decisions
• It’s hard for me to say “no”
• I sometimes worry, overthink, and second-guess
• I tell myself that things will get better when the people in my life change what they are doing
• When I do something nice for myself, I usually feel guilty
• I seem to have relationships where I am always there for them, but they are rarely there for me
• I tend to avoid conflict if I can
• I often put the needs of others ahead of my own (even when I’m exhausted)
• I feel valuable when I care for others
• I sometimes don’t feel like the “real me” anymore
• I feel so tied to one person that I sometimes end up neglecting other relationships and responsibilities

Do you see yourself in any of these?

Me too. These are very real, very human behaviors that most of us do in order to feel loved.

Let’s talk about how these might be codependent.

Signs of Codependency

If I have a hard time making decisions, it’s likely because I am worried about what other people will think about the decision that I am making or I stress that I won’t make the right one, so I struggle to make a choice.

If I have a hard time saying “no,” it’s probably because I want someone to see me as capable or willing. I want them to like me because I do what I think they want me to do.

When I feel valuable only when I care for others, it’s because I think my sacrifice and care is what proves my worth to them.

When I have relationships that feel a little one sided, it’s probably because I am going out of my way to do nice things for them, hoping they will love me, and I can’t handle the idea that they might not be as invested in me as I am in them.

If I tend to avoid conflict at all costs, it’s probably because I can’t handle someone being unhappy with me.

Do you see how these are all tied to other people’s perceptions of me and how they dictate my own feelings of self-worth?

When we act in codependent ways, we tie our sense of worth and well-being to how we think others see us or how they feel about us.

And that’s a very fragile place to be in. Because now you’re going to be constantly checking to make sure the other person is happy with you.

The Cycle of Codependency

But let’s remember that codependency, by its very nature, means that two people are locked into unhealthy relationship dynamics.

Here’s an example: if I act in codependent ways, that’s likey to drive the other person crazy because they don’t want to feel responsible for my minute to minute happiness or my sense of worth.

That’s not their job.

(They can love and support me, but my self-worth and well-being is not something that can have ownership of. That’s a burden they can’t carry.)

So they’re likely to pull away a little or start their own codependent behaviors to help them manage mine. And then if I’m codependent, I’ll need more reassurance that all is well and get clingy again and the cycle of codependency continues.

We get locked into unhealthy patterns of interaction that start to drive a wedge in the relationship.

What to do if You’ve Got Codependency Issues in Your Relationship

So we’ve taken a quick look at what some signs of codependency might be, but what you really want to know is how to fix a codependent marriage or other relationship. Let’s talk about that.

First of all, props to you for seeing that you are in a problematic relationship and wanting to work on it. The fact that you see that these things are a problem is a HUGE first step towards change.

But here’s how you can move forward knowing that help is needed.

Strengthen Your Sense of Self

The first thing to know is that you cannot change the other person.

Please understand that.

You cannot.

You don’t have control of your partner’s actions, your partner’s feelings, or your partner’s needs. And frankly, you aren’t responsible for them. (You get the chance to choose to love that person, but you can’t make them feel a certain way or take away negative feelings or any of that.)

But you can change you. So that’s good news.

You will need to work on taking a deep look at your own behavior and your own needs and then address areas in yourself that need to change. This is not easy work, but it is worth it.

Very closely tied to codependency is self-silencing.

If you see codependent behaviors happening, it’s also extremely likely that there’s some self-silencing going on.

(Want to find out if you’re self-silencing? Take this free quiz.)

This means that you suppress yourself to try to preserve a relationship. And when you do that, you start to lose who you are. Which breaks down the connection you might otherwise feel.

Combatting Self-Silencing

Start watching yourself for the behaviors we’ve described that are related to codependency and self-silencing, or in other words, making your well-being and self-worth someone else’s responsibility.

To combat self-silencing, you need to believe that who you are matters in an intimate relationship. The other person has no one to connect with if you just don’t even show up as yourself, right?

You can’t keep stifling your thoughts and ideas or trying to earn the other person’s love and approval if you want a connection in your relationship.

So watch yourself and see what you find.

For example:

• Can you catch yourself holding your tongue about something really important to you because you don’t want to rock the boat?
• Can you find a time when you hold back on being who you really are because you are embarrassed about yourself?
• What about doing things for others or saying yes to things to try to prove that you’re valuable as a person/spouse/friend?
• Do you struggle to regulate your own emotions? (Like snipping at your partner when you’ve had a bad day)

These will look different for everyone, but if you pay enough attention, you will see it happening.

Combatting Codependency

Remember that you are in charge of your own life, your own happiness, and your feelings, your behaviors, actions, and choices.

This is not something your partner can fix for you any more than you can fix your partner’s problems. This will take a lot of emotional development on your part and it will take time.

The most important thing to remember is that to break out of codependency in a relationship YOU must stop engaging in codependent behaviors. This has to start with you.

You’ve got to start spending time doing some serious confronting of yourself on your own feelings that are related to codependent tendencies.

When you can spot it happening in your life, then you can challenge yourself to stop doing it. Disengage from those tendencies.

Little by little, you will make a change. It will also help to identify some of your individual interests, things you like to do, so that you can develop those.

What Happens When You Stop Codependent Habits?

Here’s one thing I really want you to know:

When you begin to stop doing the learned behavior of codependency that you are used to, this might shake your relationship up in ways that you didn’t anticipate.

As codependent people, you’ve probably been living this way for a while.

And when you make changes to yourself, your partner will notice. And it will likely feel very uncomfortable for both of you. This can be really difficult.

You will have to work hard to hold on to what you are trying to do. Because you’re both used to acting with bad habits and playing off each other, it will be very tempting to step right back into that when your codependent partner is faced with the changes you are trying to make.

They might even try to suck you because it feels more comfortable to keep doing what you’ve always done.

You will be tempted to reengage in unhealthy ways of self-silencing or emotionally fusing. You will need to stand strong against this temptation.

As you act with a strong sense of self, as you let go of self-silencing, your partner will be forced to confront their own codependent behaviors. This may really challenge your relationship. But if you really want to fix a codependent marriage, you’ve got to keep working and not give up. It’s not a bad thing to take time to work on this.

Healthier relationship dynamics will come in the long run, but it will take some work on your part. Be patient with yourself and let yourself grow into this.

Get Help Here

One of the best things you can do for yourself and your relationship is to strengthen your own sense of self. This will impact your relationship in every way.

Here are 2 great ways to begin that process with my help: