How to Love Yourself (When “Self-Love” Advice Feels Selfish)

You’ve probably heard some version of “you’ve got to love yourself before you can love other people” a hundred times.

And you’re probably familiar with the analogy of putting on your own oxygen mask first before you help the person next to you.

As someone who spends her days researching the impact of your sense of self on your relationships, I can say two things for sure:

1. Yes, how you feel about yourself is absolutely vital to the connection you feel with other people and you do need to make yourself a priority too.
   
2. But these common clichés wildly undersell what actually matters in terms of our relationship with ourselves.

If you’re like me, those kinds of clichés really do ring true in some ways… like you can feel the glimmer of something important in them.

But they are also kind of vague and it’s unclear how you’re supposed to “love yourself” or “take care of yourself first.”

And frankly, sometimes that feels really selfish to us.

And also, like how am I supposed to “take care of myself” in order to be able to truly care for others when the baby is waking me up 6 times every night?

Or I’ve got a list of to-dos a mile long that nobody else is going to see to?

Or I don’t even really know what I want for myself…?

And how am I supposed to “love myself?” Does that mean a “treat yo’self” style shopping spree or spending all my time in bubble baths?

Does it mean I’ve got to accept everything about myself and reject any suggestion for needed improvement?

Sigh. This can all be really confusing.

What Self-Love Is Not

Have you felt this way too? Like these concepts are nice in theory but a little muddy or confusing in execution? And like you’re not all that sure that you even should fully embrace them?

That makes sense, because a lot of what we hear about self-love really misses the mark.

Here are a few common misunderstandings:

• Self-love isn’t just pampering: Yes, enjoy the things that light you up—for me that’s hot chocolate and a good book. But real self-love is about more than just a break from your daily grind
• Self-love isn’t putting yourself above everyone else: Sometimes your needs will need to come first, other times, others’ will. Self-love is about knowing that you’re worthy of being on that list
• Self-love isn’t feeling good about yourself all the time: You don’t have to be totally and completely happy with everything about yourself in order to love yourself and…
• Self-love isn’t refusing to grow: Sometimes people act like you’ve got to and say “I am who I am, take me or leave me” with no acknowledgement of areas of needed growth. You can accept who you are and want to keep growing. Those aren’t opposites.
• Self-love doesn’t mean you stop needing people: A healthy relationship with yourself actually makes it easier to be close to others.

What Self-Love Really Is: Owning Yourself

These self-love clichés aren’t getting at the core of what really matters about your sense of self in relationships:

It’s less about “loving yourself” and more about having ownership of yourself.

Owning yourself means you feel like you know who you are, like you have a say in how things happen in your life, like you have choices, and like you can show up as the real you, not just the version that keeps everyone else happy.

Without this, it’s hard to truly connect with other people because the real you isn’t even there. (Not to mention a healthy dose of resentment when it feels like everyone else is taking pieces of you and leaving you with nothing.)

This isn’t just a nice idea. It’s what research shows.

In my dissertation research, we studied about 1,000 people in long-term committed relationships and looked at two basic needs: feeling a sense of belonging in their relationships and feeling ownership of themselves.

We wondered: What would happen if one of these needs was high and the other was low? How would that impact their relationships with other people?

What we found was unexpected…

We found that these two needs rise and fall together. Nobody was high on one and low on the other. People who felt more ownership of themselves also felt more connected to their partners. And those who lacked ownership of themselves felt less connected to others.

And only a small portion of people were high on both.

In other words, you don’t have to choose between taking care of yourself and taking care of your relationships. Owning yourself is a really important part of what makes your relationships work. (I share more about this research in Losing Yourself in a Relationship? How to Stay Close and Still Be You.)

OK, but what does that actually look like in practice? How do you know if you have ownership of yourself or not?

(Because I’m not trying to give you another vague and confusing cliché.)

It can be helpful to look at this from the other side, by looking at signs that your ownership of yourself is slipping.

Signs You’ve Lost Ownership of Yourself

• You often feel overwhelmed with too much to do and not enough time to do it
• You replay conversations, kicking yourself for the dumb things you said
• You catch your reflection and immediately notice everything that’s “wrong”
• You crave a sense of purpose and direction but don’t quite know what you want
• You usually just go with the flow and tend to let others make the decisions
• You sometimes feel more like roommates with your spouse than real partners
• You smooth things over for other people and go out of your way to avoid conflict
• You’re the one who remembers everything, and nobody else seems to notice how much you do

I’ve felt at least 3 of those just this week! This happens for all of us.

Loving Yourself Looks Different for Every Woman

For each of us, as we claim more ownership of ourselves, we can feel more connected to the people around us.

But how this plays out looks different for each of us.

In my work with women, I’ve noticed four common patterns, and I’ve created resources for each one.

You may relate to one or two of these, or you may relate to them all (I do!) at different times.

Pattern #1: Your plate is overflowing

For some of us, our plates feel filled to the brim, and we don’t know what we can possibly say no to or take off that plate because it all feels important.

It feels like we’re just running to keep up with everything that’s expected, but to be honest, we’re starting to feel really tired.

You might be the one who notices the milk is low, remembers every appointment, and feels responsible for whether everyone has a good holiday. And when you finally sit down, you can’t quite relax.

We crave relief from the constant pressure and overwhelm.

​Here are some resources that might help if you fit this pattern​.

Pattern #2: You’re not sure what you want anymore

Others of us are in a phase of life where we are unsure of who we are and what we want for ourselves (often because we used to live in pattern 1 and now something has shifted).

Life is fine. But it’s also a little flat sometimes. We crave more purpose, more excitement. We want a reason to get out of bed in the morning.

Someone asks what you’d like to do this weekend, and your mind goes blank. You’ve been tuned in to everyone else for so long that your own wants are hard to hear.

​If you’ve found yourself here lately (I have!), here are some ideas to start to shift things​.

Pattern #3: You’re always the one who gives

A lot of us know the feeling of always being the one to sacrifice and accommodate, and we sometimes wonder if anyone is ever going to do the same for us.

We try to make things good for other people, but despite our efforts, our relationships sometimes feel a little one-sided or just not as connected as we wish.

You say “I’m good with whatever” even when you’re not. You let small things go so you don’t rock the boat. And sometimes you apologize just so things will feel okay again.

​Here are resources to help you feel the connection you crave​.

Pattern #4: Self-doubt has the loudest voice

And for many of us, we want a strong feeling of self-worth and to feel confident about who we are, but sometimes it’s self-doubt or inadequacy that’s got the loudest voice in our minds.

Comparison creeps in. We worry about what other people think of us (even though we know we probably shouldn’t). We overthink and replay conversations. And it’s hard to quiet those negative voices.

​There are ways to start to feel more confident. Here’s help​.

When you can start to claim more ownership of yourself, not only will you feel better, you’ll feel more like yourself in your relationships.

And that means more connection.

If more than one of those patterns sounds familiar (join the club), I’ve got a quiz that will help you figure out where to start: