What Do I Do With My Life Now That My Kids Are Grown?

I remember sitting in my favorite spot at my kitchen counter in a completely quiet house about 9 years ago… and feeling unsure of what to do.

It was unusual for my house to be so quiet. Usually it was filled with the sounds of siblings fighting, someone asking me for something, or the noise and chaos that fills the days when kids are around.

But now they were all in school. For the first time in years, all four of my boys were gone all day every day, and while in the years leading up to this I’d anticipated the free time with excitement… now it felt a little off.

What was I going to do with myself now? Who was I if I wasn’t mothering full time?

Fast forward to today and that same feeling is really coming to a head in my life. Now the kids aren’t just at school all day, they’ve mostly moved out. I’m down to just one at home, and as a teenager, he’s pretty independent. So all of a sudden, I’m faced with a question many moms ask as our kids transition into needing us a little less…

What do I do with my life now that my kids are grown?

And that question can creep in whether it’s simply that they’re all in school now (or something similar) or when they are all raised and moving out. As I said, I’ve felt it both times.

Who am I now that motherhood isn’t my primary identity? What do I do with my time now?

I mean, I’m still a mom and always will be, but it looks different without the pressures of daily mothering. After years filled with constant carpools, dinner prep, homework help, youth sports, planning for birthdays, and all the millions of things that come with raising kids, when that shifts, it can leave us feeling a little lost.

I don’t want to pretend that I have all the answers to this, because to be honest, it’s been a little bit of a struggle for me too. I’m still very much in the middle of this and still very much figuring it out.

But I do know some things that help—both from my own experience and from research. So let’s talk about a few crucial aspects of how our identity shifts as women and mothers when our roles change and how we can figure out what comes next for us.

(Just for fun, here’s a quick peek at my cute crew who is all grown now. They tower over me now and this is me with four inch platform sandals!)

Identity Tied to Roles

Women are relational creatures. Ask a kindergarten girl to draw a self-portrait and she will often include others in the picture with her—family, friends, a pet. As women, we tie our identity closely to the relationships we are in. I love that about us because good relationships can be some of the sweetest parts of life. But this can also mean that when relationships change, our identity can feel threatened.

And while all relationships can shape us, it’s motherhood than can bring a very real identity shift. When you become a mom, all of a sudden your time doesn’t feel like your own, your sleep belongs to someone else, and your thoughts start to center largely around this new little person in your life.

You’re called something new, there are new expectations or rules about how you “should” be and what you “should” do, and a profound love that stems from deeper within you than you ever knew possible.

So beyond just the time you spent caring for your kids, it’s really that you have an identity tied to that relationship and that new identity can easily shape everything else you do. That can make the transition away from full-time mothering feel tricky. It’s easy in the mothering years to lean entirely into that “mom” identity, so it’s unsurprising that when this shifts, you feel untethered. Like who even am I now?

Who Am I Other Than Mom?

You’re not trading in your identity as a mom now that the kids are getting older. But because it looks different, it’s important to know who you are outside of that role too.

It’s very common for moms to lose track of who they are when they are used to sacrificing so much for their kids. Nobody means to do it, but in tiny ways, it can happen. Simple things like eating what your kids eat or not having as much time for developing your own interests, listening to the kids’ music in the car or feeling different in your body that’s been changed by motherhood, can make you feel a little less connected to who you are.

I’ve heard over and over from moms in my life and in my work that they feel a little disconnected from who they are when they are in the thick of mothering. And I’ve felt it too. That’s why when I sat at my kitchen counter that day 9 years ago, I felt a little uneasy and unsure of what the future looked like for me now that my kids needed me less.

Reconnecting with Yourself Through Small Choices

As I adjusted to my new life with the kids in school all day, I knew I wanted to embrace this new opportunity… I just wasn’t sure what that looked like. (Does that feel familiar?)

On a whim, I decided to spend the month of September doing small things that took me out of my comfort zone just a little. It was a chance to just try new things and see what I enjoyed. I started with simple things like trying a Spin class at the gym. I got a new sweater that was a different style than I usually wore. And I went to a women’s retreat by myself, even though it felt a little uncomfortable to be alone.

These small choices started to give me momentum for something more, so when the nudge to go back to school started to creep in, I acted on it. It had been almost 20 years since I’d graduated with my bachelor’s degree, so yes, it was scary and very challenging to do graduate school now. Especially as a mom with four kids still at home.

I’m absolutely not saying that the solution to what to do with your life now that your kids are grown is to go back to school. It might not be for you. But it astounded me how much just taking a few small steps, trying just a few new things, led me down a path that I couldn’t see before.

It wasn’t a five-year plan. It was one small, uncomfortable choice at a time, each one building a little confidence and clarity for the next.

Are there small things you could try? Something new you could add to your day? Even if it’s just one time (I never went back to Spin), even if it’s just small (like my new sweater), taking steps like this can build momentum in your life and help you figure out who you are and what you want for yourself.

And this doesn’t come at the expense of your relationships. It can actually make them even better. Research shows that expanding ourselves, even in small ways, is one of the absolute best things we can do for our relationships. When we feel lit up by the things we are doing, we are more engaging in conversation, less rundown or overwhelmed and more able to be present. And it lets the people we love see us in new and healthy ways. That’s powerfully connective.

Challenging Expectations You’re Living By

Figuring out who you are and what you want to do now doesn’t end there though.

Going back to school was a wonderful choice for me because it gave me an opportunity to develop myself, to reconnect with who I am, and it genuinely made my relationships both as a mom and as a wife better.

But that doesn’t mean that I’ve got it all figured out. I still find myself sitting at my kitchen counter in a quiet house some mornings wondering what now? There are still days when I feel purposeless and unsure of what I want my future to look like.

One of the things that I’ve noticed for myself and something that research repeatedly underscores is how easily expectations can get in the way of feeling connected to ourselves and a sense of direction in our lives.

For me, sometimes that means if it’s Monday morning at 10:30 and I didn’t get “enough” done yet to start the week, I start mentally beating myself up a little. Or that sometimes I think the pace of my life still needs to be as fast or frantic as it was when my kids were younger.

Maybe it’s that I need to have a clear picture of the path ahead and if I don’t have one today, I’m falling short.

None of these expectations are really true. They’re leftover rules from a season of life that don’t automatically apply to this one (and frankly, probably needed to be challenged back then too).

But even recognizing that these are expectations that I am allowing to dictate how I feel doesn’t make them disappear overnight. They took a while to get there, so they might take a while to dismantle.

Just like the small steps to try something new can add up to feeling more connected to yourself over time, so can challenging expectations. What if you paid attention to what’s got you feeling a little bit adrift right now? Can you see aspects of those feelings that are tied to trying to live up to something you “should” be doing, clarity you’re “supposed to” have, or what you think your life “should” look or feel like right now?

I’m willing to bet you’ve got stumbling blocks in the form of expectations that are getting in the way of developing a life that feels like yours. Just like I do. Starting to notice them and call them out can help you find your footing in this new phase of life in a way that feels much more connected with you and what you want for yourself and your relationships.

Being Patient with the Process

What if instead of thinking we should have this all figured out right now, we let ourselves enjoy the journey? What if we acknowledged that we are facing a change in identity and how we spend our time and that it’s ok if it feels a little unsettled right now? What if we didn’t pressure ourselves to have it all figured out right now but gave ourself opportunities to try new things in small ways? What if we took a slower pace and enjoyed the journey without tying our worth to what we got done today or how useful we were?

Just because life used to look a certain way doesn’t mean it has to now. Being patient with the process allows room for growth that is natural and more connected to who you really are than to being something you think others want you to be.

I still don’t have it all figured out—even after grad school, even years into this. And though I admit that sometimes it feels like it, it’s really not a failure. That’s just me taking time to let identity rebuild at its own pace instead of forcing an answer before it’s ready.

These days, when I find myself back at that same kitchen counter—quiet house, hot chocolate by my side (love it!), no clear answer to “now what?”—I don’t panic the way I used to. I’ve learned that the quiet isn’t a problem to solve. It’s just where this next chapter starts. (And could even be something to embrace.)

If you’re experiencing your own version of that quiet right now, you’re not behind, and you’re not alone. You’re just getting started on figuring out who you are outside of the roles that have shaped you for years—and that takes as long as it takes.

Start with small steps that stretch you and see what sticks. Recognize and challenge expectations that are kicking in your brain, getting in the way of your clarity. And be patient with the process.

You Might Also Like:

• Roommate Syndrome—When connection fades into coexistence
• How to Stop Feeling Lost in Motherhood—For when you can’t quite remember who you were before “Mom”
• Building a Strong Sense of Self—The foundation this article is built on