Self-Silencing: What It Is, Why It Happens, and How to Stop

Summary: Self-silencing happens when we hide or downplay our real thoughts, feelings, or needs to preserve connection. In this post, you’ll learn what it looks like, why it happens, and the small, realistic steps that help you begin reconnecting with yourself.

Does any of this sound familiar?

In daily life:

• Your to-do list never seems to end, but a lot of what you do feels draining rather than fulfilling
• You’re just going through the motions, unsure what you actually want for yourself
• You take care of everyone else and sometimes wonder why no one seems to take care of you

In relationships:

• You walk on eggshells to keep the peace
• You struggle to make decisions or say no
• You avoid conflict whenever possible
• You tend to people-please, even when you’re exhausted

If you recognized yourself in a few of these, you’re not alone. Most women I work with could check several of these boxes.

These experiences are common—but that doesn’t mean they feel good. When they start running your life, it’s easy to feel lost, disconnected, or emotionally flat.

Relationships may start to feel distant or lackluster. Life can begin to feel like an endless series of responsibilities with little space for meaning or excitement.

You might feel disconnected—from yourself and from others. You can even feel lonely while surrounded by people.

There’s a name for this pattern.

It’s called self-silencing.

What is Self-Silencing?

Self-silencing is the habit of quieting your own thoughts, needs, or emotions to keep the peace or earn approval.

It’s something many women learn early—be agreeable, don’t make waves, keep everyone happy—but over time, that silence chips away at our sense of self and connection with others.

You might notice it in small, everyday ways: agreeing to plans you don’t have energy for, saying “I’m fine” when you’re anything but, or biting your tongue to avoid tension.

Maybe you catch yourself checking how others are reacting before deciding what to say, or feeling guilty for wanting something different. You don’t want to disappoint someone and you want to be agreeable and keep the peace.

These moments seem harmless, but together they teach you that being liked or keeping the peace matters more than being yourself—and this is when self-silencing starts to show up.

Why Self-Silencing Happens

If you suspect that you might be a bit of a self-silencer, you’re in good company. The vast majority of people do this to some degree (and most don’t realize it—so now you’re already one step ahead).

Here’s why: we want people to like us, and we want to feel connected to others. That’s an inherent human desire—and it’s a healthy one. We thrive in relationships.

So we figure a little bit of being agreeable for the sake of the relationship is fine—even if that means setting aside a small piece of ourselves, like our own desires or opinions. Compromise matters, right? Sacrifice is a good thing, isn’t it?

And because we want to avoid conflict, we often get very good at anticipating tension and quietly deflecting it by suppressing ourselves just enough to keep the peace.

We also tend not to mind changing small things about ourselves if it means other people think a little more highly of us or the relationship feels more secure.

At its core, self-silencing usually isn’t about fear or weakness. It’s about trying to be agreeable, “kind,” and invested in keeping relationships running smoothly.

The problem isn’t the intention behind self-silencing—it’s what happens when it becomes the main way we stay connected.

What starts as kindness and compromise can slowly turn into chronic self-suppression. When your own needs, emotions, or limits are consistently set aside, the very relationships you’re trying to protect can begin to stagnate.

How It Affects Health & Relationships

Why it matters: self-silencing doesn’t just affect how you feel emotionally—it can impact your health and your closest relationships.

Research links long-term self-suppression with higher rates of depression and anxiety, and it’s also associated with physical issues like poor sleep, IBS, headaches, chronic fatigue, and more.

Part of the reason is simple: when your needs never make the list, your body often carries the cost.

And even though self-silencing is usually done to preserve relationships, it can actually limit emotional intimacy over time.

When the real you isn’t showing up—when feelings are edited, needs are minimized, or resentment builds up—connection starts to fizzle.

Intimacy, satisfaction, and emotional closeness start to fade not because love is lacking, but because authenticity is missing.

So let’s take a closer look at what’s happening underneath this habit.

The Four Patterns of Self-Silencing

Self-silencing tends to show up in a few core ways. These patterns are deeply intertwined, and if you recognize yourself in one of them, it’s likely you’ll see pieces of yourself in the others too.

Here’s a quick look at each of those:

1: Externalized Self-Perception

The first pattern is what researchers call externalized self-perception—which is simply a way of describing how much you rely on other people’s expectations to evaluate yourself.

Instead of checking in with what you think or feel, you find yourself judging yourself through the lens of what others want from you (or what you believe their expectations are). I often think of this as living by the “shoulds” and “supposed tos”—the ways you think you should be living, behaving, or showing up.

Because connection matters so much, it’s natural to start seeing yourself through other people’s eyes to make sure you measure up. If they approve, things feel okay. If they don’t, self-doubt creeps in.

Over time, your sense of worth becomes tied to how others respond to you—rather than to your own internal sense of what feels true or right.

Want to see how self-silencing shows up in everyday moments? I wrote a short piece with real-life examples—read it here on Substack

2: Self-Suppression

Self-suppression happens when you stifle your own thoughts, needs, opinions, ideas, or wants in order to keep the peace or avoid disappointing someone.

Sometimes this looks obvious—walking on eggshells in a relationship or doing everything you can to avoid conflict. Over time, those patterns can make it hard to feel truly safe or connected.

But self-suppression can also show up in much smaller, quieter ways:
not saying what you want for dinner, pushing past exhaustion instead of resting, struggling to make decisions, or consistently going along with what others want without checking in with yourself.

None of these moments seem like a big deal on their own. But when they add up, they reinforce the habit of putting yourself second—often without realizing it.

3: Self-Sacrifice as a Sense of Self-Worth

The self-silencing aspect of self-sacrifice isn’t about loving or caring for the people in your life—those are essential parts of healthy relationships.

It’s about why you’re doing it.

Self-sacrifice becomes self-silencing when caring for others turns into a way of securing the relationship or earning approval. The unspoken belief sounds something like: If I give enough, do enough, or take care of everything, then I’ll be valued and loved.

This often looks like saying yes to things you don’t actually want to do—classic people-pleasing—because being needed or appreciated feels reassuring.

It can also show up in more socially praised ways: planning elaborate activities for your kids because that’s what “good moms” do, overextending yourself at work, or running yourself ragged because you don’t know who you’re allowed to disappoint.

On the outside, it can look generous or capable. On the inside, it often comes with exhaustion, resentment, or the quiet fear that if you stop giving so much, something important might fall apart.

4: Divided Self

The divided self shows up when there’s a gap between how you appear on the outside and what you’re actually feeling on the inside.

On the surface, you may seem fine—or even cheerful and capable. But internally, there can be growing resentment, anxiety, sadness, discouragement, or self-doubt. This often develops when so much energy goes into caring for others that your own needs stay unspoken and unmet.

Over time, that internal split can widen.

The divided self can also look like hiding parts of who you are because you’re not sure they’d be welcome if fully seen. Instead of letting others see the real you, you put on a smile, reassure everyone that you’re okay, and keep going—even when something inside feels off.

How to Stop Self-Silencing

You can’t just flip a switch and stop self-silencing. It’s a coping strategy you’ve likely been using for years—often without realizing it—and undoing it happens through small, consistent shifts over time.

Even small shifts matter more than they seem like they would. Gradually, they can lead to meaningful changes, like:

• more confidence in yourself and your choices
• deeper, more balanced relationships
• a clearer sense of purpose instead of just going through the motions

You don’t have to overhaul your life to begin.

Here’s one small place to start today:

Speak up in one low-stakes way you normally wouldn’t.

That might look like saying, “I’m open to other ideas, but this is what I’d actually love for dinner tonight.”

Or pausing before automatically saying yes to a request.

Or sharing your real opinion in a group chat.

Or asking for help with something small—even if part of you wants to prove you can handle it alone.

These moments don’t have to be dramatic. Small honesty builds trust—first with yourself, and then with the people who care about you.

Learn more about self-silencing and how to start to reconnect with yourself, with these simple resources.