How to Have Healthy Relationships: One Change You Can Begin Today

TLDR:

We are born hard-wired to desire connection with other people. We want to feel like we matter to others, like we belong, and like we are loved and accepted for who we are. All of us feel this. 

But a lot of us also feel lonely some (or a lot) of the time. We feel less connected to our spouse than we wish we did or we feel like we spend more time nagging our kids than enjoying them. We wish we had more/better friendships and like we had a better relationship with ourselves. 

The concept we are talking about today has the power to help you create healthy relationships with anyone in your life, from your husband to your teenager, your family, or your friends. And although it takes work to implement, it’s a straightforward idea that can make a big difference quickly.

How to Create Healthy Relationships

Religious philosopher Martin Buber originally taught this concept. He said that we relate to other people in one of two ways.

We have a relationship that is either: 

• I-It: meaning that we see the person as a means to an end or an object in our path rather than as a person to be loved. They are someone to facilitate our own needs, to hinder us from getting what we want, or we see them as irrelevant (as in, we don’t even really see or acknowledge them as a person). (Examples of what this might look like are below.)

The other way we might relate to people is:

• I-You: (Or as it’s often translated, I-thou). In this type of relationship, we see the person as a legitimate other who has needs, feelings, and dreams of their own. We treat them as a person to be connected with and loved. We take time to see them and consider who they are as a person.

Obviously, we will feel a much greater connection and have healthier relationships when we approach those relationships and the people in them from the I-you perspective.

But none of us are entering our relationships thinking “I’ll go ahead and treat this person as an object (or an it) and expect great connection.” We all probably think we are treating the other like a you most of the time, or at least we plan to do that. 

But let’s look at some examples of each of these types of relationships so that you can better evaluate how your relationships are really going. Because that I-it can creep in there pretty easily.

Examples of an I-It Relationship

Example #1:

If I walk into my teenager’s bedroom where he’s lying on his bed listening to music and say, “Why is your room such a mess?” or “Did you get your homework done?” he’s probably not feeling a lot of connection from me. 

Instead, he’s probably feeling like I want something from him, and he’s right, I do. I want him to get things done. Maybe I want them done because I think they need to be done (and I might be right) and I want them off my own mental to-do list or so that I can feel like a good mom who has a clean house and a kid who gets good grades. Either way, he’s probably not feeling very seen by me and is likely going to resist any efforts for conversation at that point. This is a classic example of an I-it interaction.

Example # 2:

Similarly, if my husband walks in the door from work and I immediately ask, “Did you pick up the groceries on your way home?” or “Would you unload the dishwasher?” he’s not going to feel super connected or like I see him as a person. He’s going to feel like I just want him to help me tick things off the old to-do list and we aren’t going to connect. Maybe he had a long day at work and is feeling drained and I haven’t acknowledged him. Maybe he was stuck in traffic and is frazzled, and now he feels like just one more thing is being thrown at him. 

This might become especially problematic if I had a long day too and feel like I have too much on my plate. I might be feeling like an it to him or my family and not feeling the connection either (more on that in a minute). The important point here is that there’s a breakdown on the connection each of us feels if our focus is on tasks and to-dos. This is an I-it interaction.

Example # 3:

What about when we base someone’s worth on their appearance? I mean, the word objectification is literally to treat someone like an object. So when we allow things like appearance and weight to define a person, we are putting them in the I-it category. 

Example # 4:

Our experiences on the road are a great example of treating someone like an it. That person who was just tailgating you and now you’re mad? How might that change if you knew the person in the car? How might you respond differently if you realized it was your friend or your neighbor driving? Would you all of a sudden have more compassion? Would you start to consider that there might be more going on there than just someone bugging you as you drive? 

Often the way we think about or interact with people on the road is in an I-it exchange. We see them as an obstacle in our path to getting where we want to be.

Example # 5:

This example might be less obvious and can be more difficult to see (but is also probably the most important). What about if I want someone to approve of me, to validate me, to make me feel good about myself? Many of us need other people to like us in order to function and be happy. We can’t stand to have anyone mad at us, we want to avoid all conflict entirely.

If I do this, I am making the person who I am trying to please or who I want to have make me feel good about myself an it. I am not relating to them as a person, but instead, I am treating them as a means to an end, as someone to facilitate my needs, which are that I want to feel good about myself. That is not connective. I will not create healthy relationships with people when I do this. (I highly recommend listening to the podcast episode on this one to better understand this.)

Similarly, when I engage in comparison, self-silencing, or people pleasing, I am treating the other person as an it. I am not looking to connect with them, I am not seeing them as someone who has feelings and dreams of their own, I am seeing them as someone who dictates how I feel about myself and I am trying to manipulate them into making me feel good. This is not connective.

There are so many ways that we treat others as an it. (I give more examples and more detail about these examples on the Relate-Able podcast if you want to learn more.) 

The important thing to note is that you can’t connect with an object. You can’t have good relationships when you treat someone like an it. When you can shift to treating others like a you, relationships change.

Examples of an I-You Relationship

So let’s look at these same examples reframed as an I-You Relationship and see the difference so that you can begin to make shifts in your life.  

Example #1: 

What if I walk into my son’s room, step over the large pile of clothes, sit down on the edge of his bed, and say, “How was hanging out with your friends last night?” or “What have you learned on your guitar this week?” Conversations like this show that I have an interest in him. That I see him, that I know what interests him, and that I want to know more and spend time talking with him. And he’s way more likely to want to talk to me when I lead with that. 

Now, I still might want that big pile of clothes on this floor to be put away and he still might need to do his homework, but when I lead with connection first, when I treat him like a you, our relationship goes much better. When I pay attention to what matters to him and find ways to connect with him as a person (like letting him choose the music while we drive around or asking about things he loves), he actually wants to talk to me and connect with me. I can still make sure the important things are getting done that need to get done, but I stay connected to him while it happens.

Example #2: 

Just like with my son, if I lead with connection with my husband and see him, our relationship improves.

For me, I know that my husband loves a big hug when he gets home from work, so if I take 10 seconds and hug him when he walks in the door, it makes him feel seen and loved. If I ask him questions about his day, he knows I care. He can probably answer those questions while we unload the dishwasher or put the final touches on dinner. Logisital, I-it type interactions do have to happen sometimes, but when I remember that first and foremost, he is a person to be loved and connected with, our relationship does better. 

Example #3: 

Remember when I mentioned how your experience in traffic changes when you know the person behind the wheel? This is a classic example of an I-you connection vs. I-it. What if I could stop and consider each person on the road as a person who maybe had a hard day or maybe is grieving something difficult or is just a human who made a dumb mistake? How might that shift to the I-you perspective change things? 

Example #4:

When I strengthen my sense of self, I am less reliant on validation from other people in order to feel good about myself. I move away from people-pleasing and self-silencing and into authenticity and connection.

This allows me to be myself in the relationship, which facilitates much stronger relationships and genuine emotional intimacy. This feels amazing.

When we try to see the other person, really see them, and when we try to treat them accordingly, we forge healthy relationships. I-you relationships are healthy relationships.

Other Ways to Treat Someone Like a You

Here are other ways that you can shift a relationship to the I-You perspective:

• Taking time to sit down and have a real conversation
• Asking questions about the person and their life/interests
• Remembering someone’s birthday
• Making time for date night or special time with your kids or friends
• Remembering someone’s name or details about their life
• Having patience with people’s mistakes

What other ways would you add? 

If you want healthy relationships, work on shifting to the I-you perspective.

Take a minute to think through interactions you’ve had lately and which might be I-it and which might be I-you. Can you think of ways that the I-it interactions could shift to be I-you interactions? 

It Takes Two to Make a Relationship

But wait! The thing about relationships is that there are no relationships without at least two people, right? 

Buber could have just called these relationships “it” and “you” but instead he included the “I” in the relationship. That’s because who you are and how you relate to others has a big impact on the relationship (which just summarized everything I try to teach in my work). 

It’s also important to pay attention to this if you want to create healthy relationships. 

How Do I Treat Myself? 

 Stop and consider if you treat yourself like an it or a you.

Do you ever allow your worth to be defined by the number on the scale that morning? That’s a good sign that you’re treating yourself like an it.

What about the expectations you place on yourself? Do you live by “shoulds,” are you a people pleaser, or a perfectionist? Can you see how holding yourself up to other people’s idealistic (possibly imaginary) standards might be treating yourself like an it rather than a you?

Do you neglect self-care in favor of taking care of everyone else? Do you feel like you have to endlessly sacrifice in order to be “good”? You are treating yourself like an it.

When you do this, it limits other people’s opportunities to connect with you. Because again, you can’t connect with an object. That includes you when you feel like an object to yourself. There’s no authenticity in that and without authenticity, there’s no real connection.

How Do I Allow Others to Treat Me?

It’s also important to consider if you are allowing others to treat you like an it. This happens often when we self-silence and people please or even when we just try to live like we thing a “good” mom or wife or whatever the relationship “should” live.

Do my kids see me as a ride to soccer practice, someone who makes their meals, or someone does the laundry rather than as a person with thoughts and feelings and dreams of her own too? Do I perpetuate this perception by stifling my own needs and allowing them to take advantage of me sometimes?

Another common way to see this happening is in a sexual relationship. Do you ever deprioritize your own needs in favor of the other person’s? Do you ever engage in duty sex or transactional sex (if I wash the dishes and vacuum, then maybe we will have sex tonight)? This is I-it sex and it’s not connective.

Do you ever say yes to things you have no business saying yes to (so you end up with way too much on your plate) just so that you can feel good about yourself? I-it all over the place.

Make a Change

If you want healthy relationships, it’s time to make shifts if how you interact with others, how you think about yourself, and how you allow others to treat you. Can you find ways to shift out of the I-it and into the I-you mindset?

Even subtle changes in this are going to start to help you see immediate improvement in your relationships. This will make a big difference for you.

If you’d like help with this, here are some great ways to get started: