Healthy relationships are built on the way we interact with other people. In this article, we talk about two ways this can happen: an I-it relationship in which we see others as a means to an end, or an I-you relationship when we see others as a legitimate other with feelings and dreams of their own. When we focus on treating others—and ourselves—as a “you,” it can make all the difference in the connection we feel.
We are born hard-wired to desire connection with other people. We want to feel like we matter, like we belong, like we’re loved and accepted for who we are.
But a lot of us also feel lonely some (or a lot) of the time. We feel less connected to our spouse than we wish we did. We feel like we spend more time nagging our kids than enjoying them. We wish we had better friendships, and a better relationship with ourselves.
The concept we’re talking about today can help you create healthier relationships with anyone in your life—your husband, your teenager, your family, your friends. It takes work to implement, but it’s a straightforward idea that can make a big difference quickly.
How to Create Healthy Relationships
Religious philosopher Martin Buber taught that we relate to other people in one of two ways.
- I-It: We see the person as a means to an end, an object in our path rather than a person to be loved. Someone to facilitate our needs, or to get in the way of them—or someone we don’t really see or acknowledge as a person at all.
- I-You (sometimes translated I-Thou): We see the person as a legitimate other with needs, feelings, and dreams of their own. We treat them as someone to be connected with and loved. We take the time to actually see them.
Obviously we feel more connection and healthier relationships when we approach people from the I-you perspective. But none of us walk into our relationships thinking “I’ll treat this person as an object and expect great connection.” We probably think we’re treating others as a you most of the time, or at least we plan to.
But that I-it can creep in more easily than we realize. Let’s look at some examples.
Examples of an I-It Relationship
Example #1: I walk into my teenager’s room and say, “Why is your room such a mess?” or “Did you get your homework done?” He’s not feeling connection from me—he’s feeling like I want something from him. And he’s right. Maybe I want it because I think it needs to be done, or because I want to feel like a good mom with a clean house and a kid who gets good grades. Either way, he doesn’t feel seen, and he’s not going to want to talk to me right now. Classic I-it.
Example #2: My husband walks in from work and I immediately ask, “Did you pick up the groceries?” or “Would you unload the dishwasher?” He doesn’t feel seen as a person—he feels like a means to checking things off my list. Maybe he had a hard day. Maybe he’s frazzled from traffic and now feels like one more thing is being thrown at him. If I’ve had a long day too, I might be feeling like an it to my family right back. The breakdown happens on both sides when the focus is tasks instead of people.
Example #3: When we base someone’s worth on their appearance, we’re doing the same thing. Objectification is, literally, treating someone like an object.
Example #4: Think about road rage. That person who just cut you off—how would your reaction change if you knew them? If it was your neighbor or a friend driving? We often treat strangers on the road as obstacles rather than people who might be having a hard day.
Example #5 (the one that matters most): What about when I want someone’s approval, their validation, to make me feel good about myself? Many of us need other people to like us in order to feel okay. We can’t stand having anyone upset with us, so we avoid conflict at all costs.
When I do this, I’m making the other person an it—not someone I’m relating to, but someone I’m using to manage how I feel about myself. That’s not connective. This is also what’s happening when we self-silence or people please: we’re not actually looking to connect with the other person, we’re trying to manage them into making us feel okay.
The important thing to remember: you can’t connect with an object. When you shift to treating others as a you, relationships change.
Examples of an I-You Relationship
Let’s revisit those same moments, reframed.
With my son: Instead of leading with the mess, I sit on the edge of his bed and ask, “How was hanging out with your friends last night?” or “What have you learned on your guitar this week?” The homework still needs to get done. But when I lead with connection, he actually wants to talk to me.
With my husband: If I take ten seconds to hug him when he walks in, ask about his day, and let logistics happen alongside connection instead of instead of it, our relationship does better. He can answer “how was your day” while we unload the dishwasher together.
On the road: What if I considered that the driver who cut me off might be having a hard day, might be grieving something, might just be human? That shift alone changes the experience.
With myself: When I strengthen my sense of self, I rely less on others’ validation to feel good about myself. I move out of people-pleasing and self-silencing and into authenticity and real connection. That lets me actually be myself in the relationship—which is what makes genuine emotional intimacy possible.
Other Ways to Treat Someone Like a You
- Taking time for a real conversation
- Asking about their life and interests
- Remembering their birthday, or small details about their world
- Making time for date night, or special time with your kids or friends
- Having patience with people’s mistakes
It Takes Two
Buber could have called these relationships simply “it” and “you”—but he included the “I” on purpose. How you relate to others matters, but so does how you relate to yourself, and how you allow others to relate to you.
Do you let your worth be defined by a number on a scale, or by living up to “shoulds” and other people’s expectations? That’s treating yourself like an it. Do you neglect your own needs because you feel like you have to endlessly give in order to be “good”? Same thing. And when you treat yourself as an object, it actually limits how much others can connect with you too—you can’t be fully known by someone else when you’re not letting yourself be fully known by you.
This shows up in relationships in quiet ways: feeling like your family sees you as the one who does the laundry and drives the carpool rather than a person with her own thoughts and dreams. Saying yes to things you have no business saying yes to, just to feel okay about yourself. Deprioritizing your own needs so consistently, in so many areas of life, that it becomes the norm rather than the exception.
Make a Change
If you want healthier relationships, look for the places I-it has crept in—in how you treat others, how you treat yourself, and what you allow others to make you into. Even small shifts here create real, fast improvement.
Want help putting this into practice? I’m sending out a free email series on building relationships with real, mutual connection—without losing yourself in the process. Grab it here: