Summary: Do you struggle to speak up about your needs, hide how you’re really feeling, or find yourself saying “it’s fine” when it isn’t? These may be signs of self-silencing—a pattern of suppressing your thoughts, feelings, and desires in order to maintain relationships. Learn four common signs of self-silencing and what you can do to start reconnecting with yourself.
I think most of us probably have at least some idea of what it means to self-silence—even if we’ve just heard the term for the first time.
It’s what it sounds like: suppressing your own thoughts, feelings, preferences, needs, or desires in order to keep the peace, avoid conflict, gain approval, or preserve a relationship.
And at first glance, that doesn’t seem so terrible.
After all, most of us want to be liked. Most of us care about our relationships. Most of us have learned that being easygoing, accommodating, and considerate of other people’s feelings is a good thing.
And you know what? Caring for others, sacrificing in a relationship, or doing some accommodating is normal to keep the relationship functioning.
But self-silencing stems from a sense that if you show up as your real self you might not be loved. Or that you’ve got to measure up to other people’s expectations to be accepted.
Sometimes it means downplaying your own needs so that you don’t cause a problem or feeling like you have to continually sacrifice in order to be a good person.
But when this is happening, little by little it makes us lose connection with ourselves.
And though it might not seem like a big thing at first, when you suppress who you are, your relationships ultimately suffer. That’s because healthy relationships allow two real people to show up and be known.
Think about it: you can’t connect with someone who isn’t really there and if you’re self-silencing—or disappearing in small ways that add up to a lot over time—that’s not going to make for a lot of connection.
The more we disconnect from our own thoughts, feelings, needs, and preferences, the harder it becomes to show up authentically in our relationships. Ironically, the very thing we do to protect connection often ends up weakening it.
But what does self-silencing actually look like in everyday life?
Researchers typically describe self-silencing as showing up in four interconnected ways. If one of these sounds familiar, there’s a good chance you’ll recognize yourself in some of the others too.
And if you do, don’t panic. It doesn’t mean you’re broken or doing relationships wrong. It probably means you’ve learned some strategies for maintaining connection that are costing you more than you realized.
Sign #1: You Worry A Lot About What Other People Think
Is it just me or are there a million voices out there with ideas about how you should be living?
It seems like everyone has an opinion on what you should be eating, how much you should get done in a day, what activities your kids should be in, how much you should weigh, how much is too much screen time, how you should be voting, and the list goes on and on…
It’s HARD not to get swept up in trying to live up to all of these expectations. (Even when we know better.)
And to be completely honest, it can sometimes feel really good when you DO check the boxes that others have for you. You know, when someone compliments your appearance or praises the work you’re doing.
For me this often looks like checking things off a to-do list so that I can feel productive. Or working out and watching what I eat so that I will be closer to the size and shape that society considers “good.” Or second-guessing some of my choices (even things that don’t matter all that much), hoping I am making the right one.
None of those things are inherently bad. The problem is when other people’s expectations start carrying more weight than your own thoughts, feelings, and desires.
When that happens, it becomes harder to know what you actually want because you’re so busy trying to make sure you’re doing life “right.”
Here are some other ways you might see this showing up:
- You spend a lot of time wondering whether you’re doing enough
- You say yes to things you don’t really have time or energy for
- You find yourself wanting approval from certain people (and feeling disappointed when you don’t get it)
- You feel guilty when you’re not being productive
- You can easily list your shortcomings but have a harder time recognizing what you’re doing well
- You overthink a lot or have a hard time making decisions
The problem isn’t that you care what other people think. We all do at least to some degree.
The problem is that over time, their opinions, expectations, and approval can start to matter more than your own.
And when that happens, you may find yourself making decisions based on what will earn approval, avoid criticism, or help you measure up rather than what genuinely feels right to you.
That’s one of the ways self-silencing begins. Little by little, you lose touch with your own voice while trying to live up to everyone else’s expectations.
Sign #2: Taking Care of Everyone Else Has Become Your Identity
People who go out of their way to make the world a better place are some of the very best people. And good relationships thrive on some level of self-sacrifice from both people.
But if you’re like me (and so many of us), this tendency to self-sacrifice can sometimes become a bit of a burden…and you end up exhausted and overwhelmed by taking care of others.
You want to care for others, you genuinely do…but sometimes it’s just so tiring. And you don’t know who or what you can possibly turn your back on, so you just keep plugging away, caring for the all the people.
And maybe…every now and then a little thought pops into your mind wondering who is going to take care of you? Because wow you do a lot for others. It might be nice if someone did something for you in return.
But then maybe you feel guilty for even having that thought.
And the cycle continues.
The tricky thing is that after a while, taking care of other people can start to feel like who you are. You become the helper. The responsible one. The one everyone can count on.
And while those are beautiful qualities, they can also make it difficult to notice when your own needs are getting pushed further and further down the list.
This is a perfect description of the self-sacrifice aspect of self-silencing. It’s not the sacrifice for others that is the problem, it’s when we feel like we have to take care of others in order to feel worthy of their love.
Like remembering every birthday, skipping the workout, the nap, or the quiet time I was craving just so I can get one more thing done for someone else, or staying up late to finish the laundry so no one runs out of socks is what makes me a good mom, or a good wife, or a good friend.
That’s when this crosses over into self-silencing.
If taking care of others has become one of the primary ways you measure your worth, you may be losing touch with yourself in the process.
Here are some ways you might see this showing up:
- You are always doing nice things for other people and sometimes wonder why they don’t reciprocate
- You feel responsible for making sure everyone else is okay
- You feel exhausted and overwhelmed a lot of the time
- When you get time to yourself, you either feel a little selfish or you have no idea what to do with yourself. (Or both)
- Asking for help feels uncomfortable, even when you genuinely need it
- If life was a group project, it feels like you’re always the group leader
If several of these feel familiar, you may have gotten so used to taking care of everyone else that you’ve stopped paying attention to yourself.
In the middle of your busy life, caring for others may have become easier than caring for yourself.
That’s one of the most common ways women begin to lose touch with who they are.
Sign #3: You Say “I’m Fine With Whatever” Regularly
I was in a friendship years ago that I really valued.
I’d just moved about a thousand miles to settle down more permanently in a new area and at the top of my wish list for the new area was a good friend.
So, when someone came along who seemed to love spending time with me as much as I loved spending time with her, I jumped all in to the friendship.
And there were some fantastic times together.
But, to maintain this friendship, I sometimes felt like I had to suppress some of my own desires or thoughts.
If she didn’t want to do the same thing I wanted to do or eat at the same place I wanted to eat, I shrugged my shoulders and said, “that’s fine” and we did what she preferred.
It really wasn’t that big of a deal to just have lunch at her top pick since I liked it too. I’d just go to my favorite place later.
I also learned that things went more smoothly in our friendship if I played by the rules she had for friendship that were sometimes different from my own. There were things that I sometimes said or did that irritated her, so I learned to avoid doing or saying those things.
In short, I was suppressing myself in order to maintain the relationship. (I bet you can guess how well this ended…)
And to be fair, none of these individual moments felt like a big deal.
It wasn’t a huge sacrifice to eat where she wanted to eat. It wasn’t that difficult to avoid certain topics or behaviors that bothered her.
That’s what makes this form of self-silencing so hard to recognize.
It’s rarely one dramatic moment where you decide your thoughts, feelings, or preferences don’t matter.
It’s usually a hundred small moments where it feels easier to stay quiet, go along with what someone else wants, or convince yourself that your needs can wait.
Healthy relationships require compromise. That’s not the problem.
The problem is when the compromise almost always seems to come from the same person.
Little by little, you stop expressing what you think, what you want, or what matters to you. And even though you’re doing it to preserve the relationship, the relationship starts to suffer because it’s hard to feel truly known when important parts of yourself never make it into the room.
Here are some other ways you might see this showing up:
- You regularly find yourself saying things like “doesn’t matter to me,” “I’m good with whatever,” or “you choose”
- You avoid bringing up certain topics because you don’t want to upset someone or create tension
- You have a relationship that makes you feel like you’re walking on eggshells
- You sometimes stay quiet about things that matter to you because speaking up feels uncomfortable
- You have a hard time identifying what you actually want because you’re so used to considering everyone else’s preferences first
If several of these feel familiar, you may have gotten into the habit of making room for everyone else’s voice while slowly turning down the volume on your own.
And over time, that can make it surprisingly difficult to know what you think, what you want, or even who you are apart from the expectations and preferences of the people around you.
Sign #4: The Person Other People See Isn’t Always the Person You Really Are
The other day I was on the phone with a friend and we did the typical “How are you?” exchange at the beginning of the call.
I found myself about to say, “Good! How are you?” like I normally do.
But then I paused and decided to be more honest. Instead, I said, “I’m alright.” Which was true. I was okay. But not great.
It had been a hard day. I had a lot on my mind and more than a few things weighing on my heart. That day, I just couldn’t muster a cheerier response.
What strikes me is how automatic my inclination to say “good” was. Without even thinking about it, I had almost given the answer I thought I was supposed to give rather than the answer that was actually true.
Do you notice this too? Most of us do this sometimes. We hide parts of our experience, soften our struggles, or present a version of ourselves that feels easier for other people to handle.
We almost feel like we can’t show our full self to everyone because maybe we wouldn’t be accepted.
Or we don’t want to burden others with what’s really going on so we put on a happy face.
When this becomes a pattern, researchers refer to it as a divided self—the experience of showing one thing on the outside while feeling something different on the inside.
Here are some ways you might see a divided self showing up:
- You’re snipping at your kids in the grocery store until a friend walks by and then you smile and happily chat with her
- When someone asks how you’re doing, you say “good” when really things aren’t feeling all that great
- You keep your opinions to yourself because it feels easier than risking disagreement
- You pretend you’re happy with a decision when deep down you wish things had gone differently
- You act like a different person with some people than you do with others
One of the things those of us with a tendency to self-silence (which, let’s be honest, is most of us at least some of the time) often do is hide parts of ourselves that feel uncomfortable, unacceptable, or inconvenient. We learn to present a version of ourselves that seems easier for other people to accept.
That can leave us feeling like no one really knows our real selves though.
So I Think I’m Self-Silencing. Now What?
It’s not really your fault if you, like me, sometimes find yourself doing any of these things that we just talked about. What you’re doing is trying to feel like you’re good and valuable and you’re trying to create and maintain great relationships. Those are good things.
But you’re also allowed to want these things in a way that feels more like you can show up in your life and in your relationships.
And when you’re self-silencing, it’s hard to feel that way.
We stop paying attention to what we think, what we feel, what we need, and what we want. And when that happens, it’s hard to feel like ourselves in our lives and relationships.
The good news is that self-silencing isn’t something you fix overnight. It’s also not something you need to shame yourself for.
Change usually starts with something much simpler: noticing.
Noticing where you’ve been saying yes when you mean no or where you’ve stopped expressing preferences.
Noticing where you’ve been pretending you’re fine when you’re not or where you’ve become disconnected from parts of yourself.
From there, you can begin rebuilding a stronger connection with yourself one small step at a time.
What that process looks like can be different from one woman to the next. Some of us are stretched too thin. Others feel stuck, lonely, disconnected, or unsure of who we are outside of caring for everyone else.
If you’re wondering where self-silencing is showing up most in your life, take this simple quiz. It will help you identify the patterns that may be keeping you stuck and point you toward a next step that fits your situation.
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